As We Forgive Those…
Matthew 18:21-35

Peter asks Jesus:  “Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, How often should I forgive?  As many as seven times?” Jesus says to him, “Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times.” Some translations read, “seventy times seven.”

That’s 490 times!  That’s a lot of forgiveness!  That’s like saying there is no limit to the number of times we should forgive.  Sometimes I have trouble forgiving once.  Seven times seems a very generous amount of forgiving.  But 490 is way over the top! It sounds like I have to forgive and forgive and forgive the rest of my life.

It’s interesting to look at what led Peter to ask this question: “How often should I forgive?”  He is obviously concerned with what exactly is required of him.  The parable that Jesus responds with,  that of the Unforgiving Servant is the last in this section of Matthew’s Gospel which deals with relationships in the Christian community.  It follows the admonition to leave the rest of the flock to find one lost sheep. Jesus is teaching what is required to live in community.  It cannot be measured by putting a number on forgiveness.  It is a way of life.

We have been forgiven. Thus, we are expected to forgive. Nothing is to get in the way of nourishing and strengthening the bonds of love in community.  Our quarrels with each other, our rivalries, our need to be right, and our need to place blame and avoid responsibility — none of these should be allowed to tarnish and damage our Christian community. 

Many years ago Clifford and I belonged to a small Episcopal church.  Built in 1975, it was smaller than St. James’. It was built with joy and high hopes for a long and glorious future.  As sometimes happens, there were two matriarchs in that little church.  One was president of ECW, head of the altar guild, Sunday school director and church treasurer. The other was director of the day care center and a vestry member. Her husband was president of the small bank where the church had accounts.  They were both dedicated and hardworking women.  They were both generous with their time, talents, and treasure.

There were two matriarchs in that church.  There was room for one at most.  The rector ran a distant third in power.

Remember the childhood taunt, “Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me!”?  I hate to tell you this but that old adage just isn’t true.  Words can and do hurt.  Hurtful words can sometimes be even more difficult to forgive than hurtful acts.

Although trouble had been brewing for years between Matriarch #1 and Matriarch #2, it was mostly covert. Long before the new building was constructed, the power struggle was evident. A running tabulation of wrongs committed by the opposition was kept by both women.  Scores of forgiveness were not kept because neither one ever forgave the other for anything.

Things finally came to a head between the two matriarchs at a vestry meeting.  I wasn’t there but it was a major topic of discussion among the church community for a long time to come.

The daycare director matriarch publicly challenged and criticized the treasurer matriarch for the accounting practices she followed.  Of course, the treasurer matriarch retaliated with equally hurtful, hateful words.  Both women lost control of their emotions and their words.  Both left that vestry meeting in a rage. And they never spoke again.  They never forgave each other either privately or publicly.  The poison generated from their unwillingness to forgive spread throughout the congregation.  Many felt pressured to take sides. Some left to find a church community that wasn’t tainted with undercurrents of negative, unhealthy, and unresolved conflicts.  It wasn’t just the two unforgiving women who were affected.  The whole community was damaged by the conflict for years.

For most of us, it isn’t  easy to admit when we are wrong.  It is even harder to ask for forgiveness.  It is equally hard to forgive — to deeply and truly forgive from the heart.  It is usually easy for us to see the mistakes and sins of others but oh so hard for us to see our own part in quarrels and rivalries and misunderstandings. 

And sometimes we forgive on the surface, but underneath it all we keep score. Often, we forgive but we can’t seem to let go and forget. We can get all tangled up in needing to be paid back, in needing to be considered “right” or “virtuous”, in needing to protect ourselves in the future.  We don’t truly and deeply forgive when we put conditions on forgiveness.  We don’t truly and deeply forgive when we keep score.

We have been unconditionally forgiven.  We are called to forgive others unconditionally.

We are called to forgive others unconditionally but it is so much easier said than done.  I don’t know about you but sometimes when I need to forgive and don’t do it, I experience a heaviness in my heart and knots in my stomach.  Sometimes I toss and turn and find it impossible to sleep. I go over and over in my mind what happened and find it so hard to break that lifetime habit of blame.  Over the years I’ve thought about those two competing matriarchs.  I’ve wondered if their sleep was disturbed and their peace shattered. I’m sure their energy and that of the congregation was wasted and misdirected.

Jesus says in unequivocal terms, just do it.  Forgive.  Not just once or seven times but times without end.

How do we do that?

There is no exact blueprint.  There is no simple answer to that question.  A few years ago there was a book study here at St. James’.  The book was Forgive and Get Your Life Back by Dennis R. Maynard. (A copy is available in our St. James’ Library). The Rev’d. Dr. Dennis Maynard, an Episcopal priest, presents some simple yet profound help in learning to forgive.

He tells us that the first step is choosing to forgive.  In order to get our life back we have to do the unthinkable.  We have to make the conscious choice to forgive the very one who has injured us.

Although that small book contains excellent points, I will only touch on one other today.  That is that forgiveness takes time.  We may not be able to forget but with God’s help we can choose to not remember.  We can choose to focus on other things.

I recently read something  in a book titled Earthly Good: Seeing Heaven on Earth by Martha Sterne that has been a great help to me.

"You who forgive freely, you have a certain lightness.  You don’t take every slight so seriously.  And when something really is a serious trespass, one of my artists of forgiveness told me, Look, just because I decide to let go of my anger, doesn’t mean the other person didn’t do something bad.  It just means I don’t have to make it my life’s work to hang on to the fury.  I choose to let go and, as they say, 'Let God.'"

In a nutshell, choose to forgive.  Remember that forgiveness is a process that takes time.  Lighten up and let go.  Or, as my friend, Cheri Lacock would say, "Prune it!"  Turn it over to God.

To tie up loose ends, I would like to share with you the "second page" of the battle of the matriarchs.  The little church that was built in 1975 with such hope for a long and glorious future was sold last year to the Roman Catholic Diocese in the area.  Matriarch #1 died a number of years ago.  Matriarch #2 is long since retired.  It turned out the accounting practices were sadly lacking.  It was discovered a few years ago that the rector had easily skimmed memorial funds for his own use for years.  When the church property was sold, the congregation scattered to other churches or to no church at all.  Of course, the power struggle between two women was only one part of the problem.  But I wonder if forgiveness had been a driving force in that tiny congregation, the story would have had a different ending.  I wonder what might have happened if one of those women could have said, “I’m sorry I spoke to you like that.  Will you please forgive me?”  I wonder what might have happened if one of those women had been able to forgive once, then seven times and then time and time again?

We have been forgiven — no strings attached.  Can we strive for any less in our relationships with others?

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

Amen.

The Rev. Betsy Porter
St. James’ Episcopal Church
September 14, 2008

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